Minnesota 'weirdo' prefers small-breasted women

Harrold Meyers: Gay or something? Or just weird?

Washywaters, MN -- In a disturbing announcement Monday, Washywaters resident Harrold Meyers, described previously by close friends as a "normal fella," expressed a strong preference toward the more board-like variety of women.

The announcement was made rather casually during a conversation at the Washywaters Tavern. When the discussion turned to the subject of Chad's new girlfriend and her somewhat weighty packages, Meyers volunteered the information, "I don't know, I can't say I really go for big breasts. Give me a flat-chested woman any day of the week, long as she'll do the laundry and help pay the bills."

The response was a unanimous "Wha?" among Meyer's nearby bar patrons accompanied by the inquiry made by longtime Washywaters Tavern patron Mike of, "What are you, Harry, gay or somethin'?"

Despite Meyers' later retraction, "Listen, I don't really care, I'd take either kind if I had to," the question lingers: is Harrold Meyers gay or something? Or is he just plain wierd?

Artist's rendition of Linda Ferguson, AKA "Boobless" to her friends

Female Washywaters resident and the carryer of what looked like a definite A-cup, Linda Ferguson was questioned on the matter. Here is an excerpt from the interview:

The Cynical Times: "You are a woman, right"
Linda Ferguson: "Yeah, who the hell are you?"
CT: "And those tiny ant-bites on your chest are breasts, right?"
LF: "What?"
CT: "Are men attracted to you, even with your tiny, tiny breasts?"
LF: "Hey, f**k you. I don't need to take this bullshit."

Evidently, the people who seem to be the greatest beneficiary of Meyers' unusual tastes are not particularly pleased.

Dr. Julian A. Ramstein, relationship psychologist

The Cynical Times, in search of a more professional and reputable opinion, then questioned the distinguished relationship psychologist Dr. Julian A. Ramstein, author of the bestselling book Attractions: A Study of That Which Draws Men and Women Together. Dr. Ramstein, when informed of the event, had this to say: "What? Is this guy gay or something?"

Dr. Ramstein added, "I have seen this once before- but it was with a pedofile."

He later added, "What? This guy doesn't have a 'thing' for children? Pheew, I mean, in all my years... what a big weirdo."

"I can't really tell whether or not he's gay," continued Dr. Ramstein. "I'd have to know whether or not he goes for women with penises."

The question of Meyers' sexual orientation may go unanswered, as it only raises new questions: would Meyers be attracted to a woman with a penis? And, if so, what about a man with boobs? Then, of course, his preferences regarding gorillas in thongs. For now, only one thing is truly certain: Meyers is one major weirdo. What a freak.

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