Industrial Light & Magic Hired to 'Freshen' Senator Strom Thurmond

One serious charmer, without doubt

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In what has been hailed as a progressive move, the Office of South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond today hired the Hollywood special effects powerhouse Industrial Light and Magic to "freshen" Senator Thurmond's general appearance.

"Age seems to have a certain effect on people," explained one of Senator Thurmond's legion of office aides. "It starts showing around thirty-five years of age. Forty, normally defined as a half-way point in life, is where definited signs begin to show of age. Around fifty, the effects become a little more pronounced. Now say we double those effects, exponentiate them by the power of ten, and throw the subject off a cliff. This is about where Mr. Thurmond currently stands, and it is time that we did something about it."

Industrial Light and Magic, the special effects house first created by George Lucas to handle the original Star Wars, has since gone on to create revolutionary imagery in a multitude of films, from Indiana Jones to Terminator 2, all the way up through the recent Pearl Harbor.

"This is definitely our most daunting task to date," commented George Lucas, who has taken initiative to head the project. "I mean, we always knew he was kind of old, but good God, the guy's skin is no longer even attached to his body. I always thought the hair on his head was sewn in or something, but it's all part of a really big mole on top of his head."

The event contrasts with the ordinary course of events, a monthly routine for South Carolina residents since Thurmond's original election to the U.S. Senate in 1954. Strom Thurmond becomes weary of dehydration after prolonged sitting and drooling (young women in their early sixties on the Senate floor are enough to make anyone drool). He is then shipped by helicopter to Walter Reed Medical Center, where three-hundred-pound military nurses spray him with water and powder some Tang into his hair (to keep that spiffy shine). Meanwhile, the entire state of South Carolina crowds outside, sets up picnics, invites the family, burns a cross or two, and hopes for the best--that the Senior Senator finally croaked, and they were there to watch. Finally, he comes out fine, ready to begin the process again.

The Cynical Times, after great persistence, managed to get a short interview with the honorable Senator. Readers must understand, however, the way people age. Generally, eyes are the first to go... or is it the knees? Anyway, the point is that with Strom, every single part of his body has "gone," notably his abilities to hear, speak, and remember where he left his right shoe. Also, keep in mind that English, or at least Modern English, was not yet in existence during the Middle Ages.

Strom Joins the Ranks

Cynical Times: Thank you for speaking with us today, Mr. Thurmond, we very much appreciate it. Now, let's cut to the chase: how do you feel being treated like some Hollywood prop?
Strom Thurmond: Hurr, yew wannuh see a prop, sonny? Thurs un down yonder thur. Knocks pen off wheelchair Hurr, Bettay, will yew pick up this hurr pen fow Massar Thurmon? Large, bovine, elderly woman bends over to pick up pen MMMM, sweet Martha Washington, now thar's a meaty prop fer yeh!
CT: Good Lord, that's disgusting! She's gotta be in her mid-fifties!
ST: Fiftay ate, ah will have you know, sonny. Hurr, legal age round here yonder, hurr.
Cynical Times: Aren't you married?
ST: The South will rise agin! Heart stops.
CT: Sweet Jesus!
ST: Heart starts back. Yer tellin' me these Arabs ain't from Mexico?

The interview being inconclusive, The Cynical Times obtained secret plans for "Project Thurmond." Basically, they plan to institute the technology employed in the once-famous Hall of Presidents at Disney World, in which all of the nation's presidents danced around to the Robot and congratulated each other on being prosperous white men. While the Al Gore-like motions to be installed into Mr. Thurmond may at first seem a little bit mechanical and inhuman, they will appear quite dynamic on such a subject as Mr. Thurmond. Why they took out that attraction at Disney World is beyond us.

"Originally, we were aiming for something more akin to It's a Small World, in which Strom would dance about with people of other cultures and sing about world peace," George Lucas told us. "We were quickly informed that Strom would, in such a situation, yell, 'Remeber the Alamo,' grab a shotgun, and shoot them all. So we toned it down."

What other great things will techonological innovations bring us? And how can they be used to further prolong Strom Thurmond's life? Stated one aide, "Perhaps some sort of inflatable, nude, sixty-year-old nude woman lies on the horizon."

<<Back To The Cynical Times