Refusal to Wear Retainer Makes Boy 'Rebel'

Not for this bad-ass mofo, nuh uh.

Short, studious boy Robert Kendrickson, normally described as a “conformist,” has recently been turning to a more bad-ass lifestyle, as he has rebelled against the old-world institutions of the orthodontist, refusing to wear his retainer all the time.

“Yeah, that’s right, I’m a rebel,” stated Kendrickson, sporting glasses and a pen resting on his ear. “I’m not into that retainer stuff, old man, that’s for wussies.”

In his L.L. Bean jacket, he rides around in his Volvo, not a care in the world, with no one bossing him around. Except for school and stuff. And driving his little sister to soccer games. And taking the vacuum cleaner to the repair place.

What exactly is he rebelling against? “What’ve you got?” replies Kendrickson, adding, “Given that it involves some passive neglection to comply with some mundane aspect of personal hygeine that hopefully my parents won't notice."

You don't see him wearing his retainer either

Kendrickson, 16, actually possesses a long history of radically rebellious behavior. On many occasions, he conciously refuses to brush his teeth the minimum two times per day. Describes Kendrickson, "Heck, one time, I didn't even brush my teeth at all ALL DAY!! Take that, societal conventions, take that."

Robert's mother Leah Kendrickson expressed concern over her son's wild behavior. "I don't know where we lost him," she remarks. "He was always such a nice boy. I always had this suspicion that it was those kids he gets caught up with. Like that [All-State Math Team winner and Academic Team captain] Randy Snorkelfield. Not only am I sure that boy distributes large quantities of crack cocaine, he probably holds some high position in the Italian Mafia."

"I don't like the looks of this," she said. "I don't like it one bit. Next, Robert will end up on CNN as one of those American al-Qaeda members."

Some, however, downplay Kendrickson's rebellious nature. Classmate Justin Collins explains: "The other day, all during class, Kendrickson kept going on about rebelling against society or some shit. I was like, Rob, you haven't missed a homework assignment once this whole year, how are you rebelling? Then he went off on something about neglecting personal hygeine practices."

Added Collins, "I wear both of my retainers at nights, top and bottom. I don't want my teeth to get all fucked up." Collins then excused himself to smoke marijuana.

Where will Kendrickson's rebellious nature eventually take him? Might he wage war against his own country? Break off into a nation where nobody has to wear a retainer? Said Kendrickson, "My mom says you guys have to leave now so I can do my homework before it gets dark."

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