Three Month-Long, In-Depth Project Scrapped Together In One Night

Walter Dirkowski, high pants guy

CACKLEWOOD, SC -- A long-term report of three months and the invaluable knowledge to be gained by it were heavily compromised Tuesday when over half of the Cacklewood High School World Literature class scrapped together moderately decent projects over the course of one night.

Described class member Michael Marsh, a junior at Cacklewood HS, "I started reading the book back when it was assigned and was like, screw this. So I put it off until last night."

Marsh was not alone in his quest for ignorance. Of the twenty-four-person class, sixteen students did at least ninety percent the last night, three did it in advance, one did half of it upon assignment and half the last night, one decided to turn it in after the weekend for a ten-point deduction, and of course Spanky, well, he didn't do it at all.

The assignment was to compile a thorough analysis of all aspects of the work War And Peace. The assignment was split into categories involving different aspects of analysis, together comprising of a minimum of thirty God-forsaken handwritten pages.

Reported Karen Pinkley, senior, "I've had other stuff going on pretty much, so I figured it would be no big loss to be up all night and get like a B-. It doesn't matter, I'm probably going to get an A anyway."

Spanky, The name says it all

Some were not so content about losing sleep. Junior Rodney Muggim shared his views, saying, "Oh man, I cannot believe that I put that off so late. I swear, that was definitely the last time that I put crap like that off. I have gotten less sleep in the past few nights that I should get in one night. Next time I get a project, I don't care how shitty it is, I am starting the very day it's assigned."

But unfortunately, even Muggim knows that that is just complete bullshit.

That's shameful.

Marsh later elaborated on his position, saying, "I don't really care about this stuff anymore; it works out whenever I do this. Basically, I just don't feel like working on it before the last night. I've got more important things to do, like seeing movies and working at Arby's. I just do it the last night, get a 90 instead of a 97, and feel the satisfaction of having wasted no time."

It is at this point unclear whether or not Marsh knew what exactly "wasting time" means.

Not everybody reduced the crucial exercise in literary analysis to an exercise in laziness. Boy genius and child prodigy Walter Dirkowski (the "high pants guy") commented, "I finished mine two weeks ago, and it was so easy. Mine is forty-seven pages long, and I'm actually at least a year younger than everyone else here. But I am a little worried, though, because I think I may have misaligned a few things on the title page."

Dirkowski then checked with the teacher, Mrs. Bambushken, and found out that "it is alright."

Explained Dirkowski, "When it was assigned, I made sure that my 8x10.5" notebook paper would be acceptable, and then I showed her [the teacher] some samples of my Mead brand paper just to be sure. I noticed that everyone else was using Bic pens, so I was kind of worried since I had just bought five brand new $12 fine ink pens to use on it, but it was okay. Also, I bought two new packages of one hundred fifty sheets of notebook paper, in case the three I already have run out. In addition to that, I bought a sturdy $19 portfolio to put it in."

"I just read the Cliff's Notes I got from the library, found a folder I've used for at least five projects, tore everything out, and spent about eight straight hours rewording the notes and drinking coffee," said Marsh.

Mrs. Bambushken, War And Peace Fanatic

"Man, I ain't doin' that shit," said Spanky.

Mrs. Bambushken was not pleased with the turnout. "It just irritates me that my students fail to see the importance of this wonderful opportunity to expand their worldly horizons," she commented, in a vague reference to the meaningless War And Peace project. "It would seem to me that there is no better utilization of their time than to learn about this famous Russian masterpiece," continued Bambushken, perhaps temporarily forgetting the fact that students have social lives.

She added, "And the only one who did care was that geeky DORKowski kid. You'd think the kid doesn't have a mind of his own, the way he's always worried about some stupid thing. I assigned some paper at the beginning of the year, and he wanted to know what font, font size, margins and line spacing would be appropriate. And I can't believe he spent $19 on a folder. If I had an extra $19, I'd buy food, that is, if I have any left after buying gas."

"There's no point to all this shit," mused Marsh. "I just do it so I get a good grade on my transcript. As if it'll all matter in five years. I don't know why she gives us three months to work on it anyway."

"Goddamnit all to hell, I don't need this to be a fireman," remarked Spanky.

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