Boy forgets to say pledge; deported

Peter Wessley Finally Recites the Pledge, in Siberia

Spiffing young man Peter Wessley forgot to say the Pledge of Allegiance Thursday, resulting in his unexpected deportation from the United States of America.

"I was a bit busy, and suppose I just kind of forgot to stand up. I didn't even hear it, really," said Wessley, from his lean-to in Siberia. "Everyone stopped around '...and to the Republic...', started staring at me, and all of a sudden, the teacher grabs me and walks me to the office."

Wessley was then put on a slaveship and was shipped to Siberia, where he is to spend the next forty years, without parole.

"Some people need to show a bit of respect for this great nation," commented Mrs. Wackleberry. "And the only way to do that is to stand up at the beginning of every school day and recite a brief passage along with the student body president over the announcements. Anything else would be... well.. un-American."

"The Pledge is gay anyway," argued Wessley. "What does it mean if we say it every morning? That we're more American than the next guy?"

All-American classmate Buddy Giles was taken aback by this viewpoint, saying, "Hey, I stand up to pledge my allegiance to the beautiful American flag one hundred eighty days a year. Heck, sometimes I even recite the pledge when I see the flag by a building or pinned up in my bedroom. Can't get more American than that. If I don't renew my patriotism every weekday during autumn, winter, and spring (with the exclusion of holidays and special teacher-workdays), I might die! And go to hell!"

Wessley later added, "And for Christ's sake, that flag in Mrs. Wackleberry's classroom is the size of an index card, made of plastic, and reads "Made in China" along the side."

He continued, "Then, there's this one Super America Man guy in my class who brags about saying the Pledge all the time. He spent close to a hundred dollars not long ago on one of those buy-a-flag websites. It's reducing a national symbol to a license, like it's some Disney movie or something."

By this time, the Cynical Times reporter was frozen in place by the Siberian winter chills, forced to sit to Wessley's infernal rantings. Wessley, taking this as a sign of interest, went on to say, "Is being boastful about one's patriotism really all that patriotic? Donating all that money to a relief fund would be patriotic. Trying to say the Pledge louder than everybody else, that's--that's just kind of superficial. I mean, jeez, as if he chose to be born here or something."

Wessley was then eaten by a snow wookie.

 

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