McDonald's Loses Count; Goes Back To Zero
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| McDonald's loses count, goes back to zero. |
NEW YORK, NY -- McDonald's Corporation, the largest food chain in the world, made an embarassing announcement Tuesday when it announced that it has lost count of how many it has served.
The amount served will be changed from "over 99 billion" to zero. All McDonald's signs below displaying the total will be changed accordingly.
The announcement was made by McDonald's Senior Public Relations Officer Peter Lindman. Said Lindman, "Well, it seemed like we were going pretty strong, with almost 100 billion--a pretty high number, considering the world's population of just over 6 billion. Then, something happened."
Lindman explained, "Ed, who was on shift for customer tallying, got a bit confused and lost count. Could've happened to anyone. Even a multi-national corporation that commands billions of dollars a year."
The Cynical Times has come into possession of a transcript of a recording of the counter, Ed, at the time of the loss of count:
Ninety-nine billion, three hundred sixty-two million, eight hundred twenty-two thousand, one hundred seventy-three; ninety-nine billion, three hundred sixty-two million, eight hundred twenty-two thousand, one hundred seventy-five; nine bill--wait a minute, that's supposed to be seventy-four. Or was it seventy-five? It was four, I know it. Or I think I do. It must've been sixty-six. Or was it seventy-something? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
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| McDonald's employee Ronald McDonald, peeved by Ham Burgler "That Bastard" |
Some McDonald's employees were distressed by the news. Said magical clown Ronald McDonald, "I have to say, I don't take my job--a magical white clown who endorses a fast food restaurant and fights against evil forces such as the Ham Burgler--as legitimately as I did before. I mean, how many people have I made happy? Zero? I feel like a nobody."
When asked for his opinion, fantasy character Ham Burgler, draped in striped prison garb, had this to say: "Can you believe that guy? I try to get him to share some 99 cent hamburger made of bread that looks like its been run over by a truck and a meat patty thinner than a sheet of paper, and do you know what he does? He humiliates me just because I'm wearing this prison uniform--makes a big deal out of it, tapes it on video, gives it to some random kid, and makes a commercial out of it."
When asked for his opinion on the loss of count, Ham Burgler continued, "All right, so my family's name is Burgler, and since my mom was eating a big ham when I was born, I was named Ham. How the hell does that make me a thief? If a guy's name was Smith, you wouldn't expect him to temper metal for you."
After being reminded that nobody cares, Burgler mused on the matter at hand: "Oh, that? Yeah, I guess it kind of sucks. You'd think they'd get machines to do that or something. How can a person even count that fast? You know, I've been to New York a couple times before. What? You're not The New York Times?"
Both McDonald and Burgler were later found mysteriously unconcious and naked in a dumpster behind a McDonald's restaurant.
The Times then turned to the life-like piece of fried chicken, Chicken McNugget 1 (also known as Chicken Turd 1). A transcript of the interview can be read below:
The Cynical Times: How do you feel about McDonald's losing count of its customers?
Chicken McNugget 1: I think people will look at McDonald's now and just see it as just another overcharging fast food joint with a hostile staff that seems incapable of smiling, instead of something identical, only with a higher number on the sign outside.
CT: So true. So, so true.
CM1: And it's weird too, isn't it? I always figured they had computers handling stuff like that.
CT: So you're called chicken turd, huh?
CM1: Yeah, it's kinda this joke going around. Everyone thinks it's so funny that I'm 9 percent chicken excrement. I mean, as if they're not at least 3.5 percent chicken shit.
CT: Oh man, that's pretty gross.
CM1: Listen: you ever see me eating this shit? Hell no! I've seen what goes on in that kitchen. Christ, just this morning, Ron and Ham were found in the dumpster, completely unconcious. Apparently, a couple of fellas came in pretending to be you guys.
CT: Well, that pretty much wraps it up, so we'll be off now, good bye.
While many things at this point remain unclear, it is definitely certain that the loss of count of the number of customers served is not nearly as dramatic as the great turmoil and mystery within the McDonald's restaurant. Who were those mysterious men who pretended to be with The New York Times? And will the dispute between Ronald McDonald and Ham Burgler ever be resolved? Sadly, it cannot yet be told.
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