Ice-curling Replaces Drunk Shit-Throwing in Middle-of-Nowhere Town

Ice Curling--Seriously Intense Action

OGDEN - In a surprising move, city officials announced today that they have changed their previous pastime of getting drunk and throwing shit at each other to the always popular Olympic Ice Curling "sport."

The decision to switch from rather dangerous pastimes (such as playfully twirling loaded firearms) was a long and arduous one, that rested upon the shoulders of Ogden Mayor, William Jaysons. Said Mayor Jaysons, "Well, we used to just play 'playfully twirl the loaded shotgun,' but then some limo driver died, when I accidentally shot him, so we had to cut that out, if you know what I mean." Wink.

Some Ogden residents are thrilled about the switch. Exclaimed one 'Curling Club' attendee, "Finally, something I can really sink my teeth into, Ice Curling! I mean, what can be better than throwing a rock down an icy lane on to a painted target! Sex? Anything else in the world? I think not."

Don't worry, ladies: You, too, have an alternative to drunken rampages

Obviously, somebody hasn't heard of the highly enjoyable pastime of watching paint dry on grass, while the grass is growing, and watching the grass grow at the same time, a prime candidate for a future Summer Olympics event.

Other Ogden residents aren't so happy that the so called "Olympics" sport is moving in on their valuable drinking/throwing objects time. "This so called 'sport' just looks like a bunch of happy bullshit, if you ask me. You did ask me, right? Well, anyways, I think that we should just cut down the whole damn Rain Forest to shut up those stupid ice-chucking, tree-licking hippies. Who needs it?" Continued Angry Drunken Man, Max Miller, "This sport is just plain stupid. They take these rocks, and throw them down the ice to these targets, right..." Unfortunately, this man, feeling inclined to explain to us, the reporters, what Olympic Ice Curling is, or was, as if we hadn't done our homework, continued his lecture for over an hour. And we thought he hated the sport. Thank you nbcolympics.com, thank you.

Who wouldn't? Or, no, never mind that question...

Miller continued, once again, "You see, after they throw the rocks down the ice, they have these guys with brooms sweeping the ice, changing the friction and such, directing the stone's path. Eventually, the stone reaches a large target painted on the ice, where it can knock out stones from the other team. It's really quite fascinating." Sounds fucking boring. "In conclusion," he concluded, "I much preferred throwing shit all over the place. Nothing beats drunken idiocy."

Max Miller did, however, give us some insight into the world of a drunken Ogden residents, for the most part. The delicate psyche of one who has lived in a world that was dominated by object throwing, and magicians, as well as the pungent smell of flowing liquor is truly fascinating. Yeah, right. What the hell are we doing in fucking Ogden in God-knows-where?

No matter what changes come from this new sport, Little Billy Williams is surely never going to forget his night at the palace. "It was fantastic, the game lasted for 4 hours, but I got to see one stone hit another. Oh sweet Jesus, thank you. It was even worth the three strip searches performed on me by various security guards on the way in."

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