What If God Was One of Us?

Subhodaya Karki, 'God'

What if God was one of us?

Well, he could be, you know.

But what if he was? You know, one of us. That would decidedly be pretty weird.

We decided to investigate, as we often do, and see what it would be like. After much thorough investigation, we realized that God was none other than a local bum. We found out that this bum went by the name of Subhodaya Karki (Suh-BO-day CAR-key).

"Subhodaya Karki? He's God? But, how?" you say. We were wondering the same thing, so we sat down with "God." Here is an excerpt from that interview:

The Cynical Times: "So, 'God', why are you god?"
Subhodaya Karki: "I am the supreme ruler of earth in heaven."
CT: "Sure you are. Can you prove that you are God?"
SK: "Yeah, watch this, guy." ('God' then proceeded to show us his genitals.)
CT: "Yuck. How does that prove to us that you are God?"
SK: "Didn't you see the cross tattoo?"
CT: "Yeah, sure."
SK: "Well, that proves it, guy."
CT: "Ok God, I think we're done."
SK: "Vote for me."

With that, we left God. Feeling discouraged, we found another person who claimed to be God. After talking to him, we felt even more discouraged, but then found another and another that claimed to be God.

We decided at that point to expand our search beyond the alley behind McDonald's.

We used the tried and true, "If I was God, then where would I be," method. The answer: a church.

Then, we were directed by a kind man to kneel and confess our sins, and only then would we find God.

So, we confessed, and we confessed, and we confessed some more. Two weeks, three days, and thirteen hours later, no God appeared. We left the church, further discouraged.

Ivana Tinkle, Drunk

We headed to a bar to find salvation. Late that night, a fellow with whom we made great friends and whose name we recorded to be Ivana Tinkle, offered some insight as to God's identity: "See, it's like, God is the government, cuz they're all controlling our lives, trying to get into our minds. And they're taking all our damned money."

If our money is damned, however, then wouldn't we want God to rid us of it? Tinkle elaborated, "Yeah, like I said, God is the gas companies, all conspiring against us. Hey, hey, I'll show you, hit me in the stomach, hard as you can, just hit me right here."

We can't remember exactly what happened last night after that, although we suspect that God is now in our heads, pounding our brains with a sledge hammer. So, what if god was one of us? Basically, it would be pretty shitty.

Imagine waking up and praying to say, Subhodaya Karki. He couldn't do any miracles or anything, but he would show you his cross tattoo and rid you of your damned money. It would be really hard to say God's name too. Take this bible verse edited to change anything refrencing God to Subhodaya Karki:

Matt 21:31: "Whether of them twain did the will of [his] Subhodaya Karki? They say unto Subhodaya Karki, The first. Subhodaya Karki saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of Subhodaya Karki before you. And give me your gasoline."

Could you imagine the daily life of a Christian then? My Subhodaya Karki in heaven, would that ever suck? The answer: in Godly proportions.

<<Back To The Cynical Times