Girl Scouts Growing Too Strong

A "threatening" ad for Girl Scout cookies

DOVER, Delaware -- Girl Scouts: Where girls grow strong. Sure, they certainly grow strong, but is it possible that, perhaps, they are growing too strong? The Cynical Times investigates.

Jim Davenport, local Boy Scout Headmaster in Dover seems to think the girls are up to no good. "I think those girls are up to no good," commented Davenport. "Have you seen the Girl Scout Cookie ads lately? I mean, they are down right threatening."

The Cynical Times investigated the ads, and while it was not quite apparent as to what exactly was "down right threatening" about them, implications can definitely be found in their messages. You be the judge on that one.

Our buddy Mr. Davenport also had some pictures to show us of what the Girl Scouts did to his "lovely" daughter, Marlene.

Davenport claims that Marlene came home from Girl Scout meetings chanting "The world is ours for the taking! Girl power!" We didn't know what that meant, but were pretty scared anyway.

Seeking details, we questioned a source close to the Girl Scouts. Requesting anonimity in fear of superiors, the source disclosed only, "World domination. That's what it's all about."

The Times sought an interview with Marlene, but she simply grunted, "Marlene no talk, Marlene hungry." Marlene then proceeded to pick up one of the poor, defenseless Cynical Times reporters, and ate him.

Fortunately, it was the cocky new guy.

Several neighbors have made complaints against Marlene, saying she is "eating [their] children".

Marlene Davenport, Junior Girl Scout

Marla McHakley was one of them. She had this to say: "Oh the humanity! I came out [from the kitchen] to check on my son, Richard, who was playing in the sandbox and the only thing I saw was that goddamn Marlene Davenport, gnawing on Richard's leg! I tried chasing her off with my broom... I ended up having to lure her away with a steak. Thank God it worked, but [Richard] still has a considerable welt on his leg."

Truly some disturbing words.

Marlene, like many Dover-area Girl Scouts, is a regular at Phil's Bar in downtown Dover.

Phil himself came out to talk to us when we visited his fine establishment. "Yeah, sure these girls are 12, 10, maybe even as young as 9 sometimes, but man... are they dangerous. For Christ's sake, I can't say to them, 'No, you're only 10, you can't come in.' I mean they'd kick my ass!"

Phil continued, "For example, a few weeks ago, a troupe of Girl Scouts came and challenged a gang of bikers to an arm-wrestling contest. Of course, the Girl Scouts won."

Added Phil, "Have you seen the size of those kids? Yeesh. Anyway, the bikers didn't like being beaten by a bunch of little girls with sashes across their shoulders, so they started a fight with their leader. It wasn't pretty--bodies all over the place, we musta had fifteen cops rushing the place. I'll tell yah, those Girl Scouts are a force to be reckoned with."

A force to be reckoned with indeed. With an army of 2.7 million members worldwide, it's only a matter of time before they take over.

Then it's cookies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Only two things are truly clear at this point in time, however. First, Girl Scouts are indeed becoming too strong. Second, Phil talks too much.

We can only hope that someone will shut them down (or up) soon.

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