Taliban: "Merely a flesh wound!"

Afghanistan and its Neighbors

The Taliban, in a statement to U.S. media, reported that the loss of funds and assets abroad, the absence of allies anywhere in the entire world, a populace at home that favors its own demise, a plethora of rebel factions within its borders, an unrelenting military campaign on its troops by the strongest military powers in the world, and having no defense besides some old, rusty Soviet military equipment has all amounted to "merely a flesh wound, nothing more than a flesh wound!"

"Come and fight like me, ye yellow-bellied cowards," demanded the Afghani ruling regime, from secret hiding places in mosques and underground caves.

After having all of its financial and diplomatic legs abroad severed, the Taliban proclaimed, "What are yeh, scared? We can take the whole [34-nation] lot of yeh! Step right up!"

In the same announcement were intentions to poison its own people's (nonexistent or lack of a) food supply--provided in part by the United States--and stow all military equipment in sacred mosques so that it could not be easily destroyed by U.S. strikes without massive civilian casualties in the process.

"What a dumb [bunch of] guy[s]!" exclaimed President Bush, at the first Presidential press conference since 1995. "We reduced their national defenses to rubble, and the best they can do is send letters filled with powder to a tabloid publisher, a liberal senator, and an old news anchorman [who was going to die anyway]!"

A simulation of the Bush proposal

Continued Bush, "I read in the Greenville News that their surface-to-air anti-aircraft missiles couldn't reach high enough to hit our surveillance planes. I could have hung my ass out of that plane and shitted on Osama bin Laden's bald head! Hah!"

In a media press conference at the Pentagon, reporters asked some tough questions of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeild, such as that of one CNN reporter, "Do we have to go in and topple them just now? They're so funny! Look at their heads! Just look at them!"

"You grim-faced cowards, come and show what you're made of," demanded the Taliban, surrounding itself with a human shield of one million starving Afghan citizens. "Quit hidin' back there!

"Sure, you may have annhililated our military equipment, but our cause is just: resistance to tyranny by the world superpowers," announced a military leader from a tank as it tumbled through a town believed to be alligned with resistance forces, massacring innocent Afghan women and children in the process. "You won't suppress us like you did Japan and Germany after World War II [today among the richest nations in the world]."

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