Hear it from a fan fanatic!

By Herman Humphrey, cherished and intelligent member of our community

Okay, no clever introduction here, I have to get right to the point: I love talking into fans! I am an absolute fan fanatic! It's just so funny! Have you ever tried it? If you haven't, then you've just got to!

Okay, here's how you do it. And don't worry, you can do it all with household materials. First you need a fan, and no, silly, not one of those big ceiling fans, but one of the plug-in kind.

Now, here's the tricky part, so just bear with me. Plug in the fan, and turn it on. A low setting is probably ideal for beginners. Now put your face close to the fan. Be careful not to put your tongue into the blade radius, as I can tell you firsthand that this really hurts!

Now is the part where you say something! Something hilarious might be, "Testing... 1, 2, 3..." If there are other people in the room, you can keep doing this one for almost an hour because it's so funny! What's really funny about it is that it's like you're testing out something like a microphone, but it's actually just a fan! Oh, it makes me laugh just thinking about it.

Once that get's old, there are hundreds of zany things you can say into the rotating blade of hilarity! For starters, since it makes you sound like a robot, you could say something really clever, like, "Hello. I am a robot." Or you could pretend to be an alien from outer space. Just say, "Take me to your leader," to get a room bursting with laughter!

Here's a really funny joke you can play on your unsuspecting friends. Be careful here, though, as it might hurt your friendship if you aren't the best of friends. Position the fan under a table where your friend can't see you, crawl under, and pretend that you're an alien about to eat your friend! Watch as your unsuspecting buddy runs about the room in fright!

Ol' Rusty

Now if you're anything like me--a single thirty-eight-year old man who never goes outside of the house and with a togue chopped off by a fan blade--then you'll be able to spend most of your time preparing for that moment when one of those people you see through the window blinds suddenly walk into your house looking for some fan fun!

It is for this reason that I keep a few fans by (Red, Ol' Rusty, and Shannon) the door, and another (Samantha) in my bedroom, if that pretty girl who walks by every weekday at 7:26 AM notices me staring at her, comes into meet me, and... well, you know what a mean. I keep one in the kitchen too, just in case a couple of pals come looking for a place to party. Of course, neither of these things have happened in the past eight years, but you never know!

It's good to practice for this too. Pick a few funny characters, and practice each of their lines for at least two hours each. At the end of this side-splitting practice session, your pants should be stained yellow, or you're not trying hard enough!

Sometimes, I like to pretend that someone's coming to visit me. First I show this person my expert cyborg imitation, then I pretend that I am Zorg from the planet Norg. We stay up all night, laughing, drinking hot cocoa, and having funnier-than-funny conversations. This is a great way to make companions for life.

In fact, if anyone wants to come and have a great time talking into fans and the such, come give me a ring! I'll be here twenty-four/seven waiting for you with my wacky arsenal of fan-enabled voices waiting. We'll have a great time, with XK885--The Friendly Tongue-less Robot and Zorg, from the planet Norg of Tongue-less Torgs.

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