Necrotizing Fasciitis Becoming 'Trendy' Disease, say experts

Wondering which area of the hospital to hang around at this fall? Now that fall 2000 has been in session for a few weeks, what's shown itself to be the most popular fall/winter 2000 disease? Fashion experts agree, Necrotizing Fasciitis, flesh-eating bacteria, is by far the trendiest disease of the fall/winter 2000 season.

Necrotizng Fasciitis, trés chic

Easy to catch, yet revoltingly disgusting, Necrotizing fasciitis is definitely any disease-addict's pick for this season. "The popularity of Necrotizing Fasciitis is really found in its universality," commented Bernadine Morris, former New York Times columnist and fashion expert.

Continued Morris, "Unlike other contenders for this season's most popular fashion, namely vaginal herpes, Necrotizing Fasciitis has a much more broad user-base: young and old, black and white, male and female, you name it."

Another origin of Necrotizing Fasciitis's appeal is its interesting feel on the skin. It attacks the subcutaneous (soft) tissue, and it becomes gangrenous. It moves very quickly, usually under the skin,and not on top the top of the skin, where it can be seen. Once tissue becomes necrotic (dead) it has to be removed.

Bernadine Morris, Fashion Expert

That's not all, however. In addition to the tissue decay, the bacteria causes the rest of the system to go into systemic shock. This may result in respiratory failure, heart failure, low blood pressure and renal failure. Basically, every system of the body can fail as a result of the severe infection and toxicity of the system.

This only raises another question: how could a disease this great not have been stylish before? "Necrotizing Fasciitis was actually quite popular during the fall/winter season of 1995, but it was eventually stamped out by the likes of testicular cancer and the common cold, which were quite popular in the mid '90's," explained Morris.

"I'd personally say that the world wasn't ready for the level of trendiness offered by Necrotizing Fasciitis."

Need proof that everyone's doing Necrotizing Fasciitis? "For the past few weeks, all I hear is 'When will we learn about the bacteria kingdom?' " commented Linda Bradley, Greenville, South Carolina, high school biology teacher. "Not even Syphilis last year sparked this much interest in biology," continued Bradley.

The Cynical Times spoke with Necrotizing Fasciitis patient Lee Harroldson. When asked about its popularity, Harroldson had this to say: "Having Necrotizing Fasciitis isn't cool, infact it sucks ass."

After poking the ugly formation on his leg for a few minutes, The Times provoked Harroldson to continue. "You cannot imagine my pain. This disease is the worst thing in the world. They had to remove the skin from my penis, and I only have 3 weeks to live"

Little did Harroldson know, however, that his life expectancy estimate had a three-week margin of error. After the previous exchange, Harroldson proceeded to die horribly. The Cynical Times then questioned his doctor, Dr. Walker.

Linda Bradley, Biology Teacher

The pessimistic Walker commented on the popularity of Necrotizing Fasciitis: "This trend definitely originated in the movie industry. What kid in America can honestly say that he or she doesn't want a humongous, vomit-inducing growth on his or her leg like Arnold Swarzenegger or Cameron Diaz? What they don't know is that there really isn't very much glory to be found in Necrotizing fasciitis. In fact, it is quite unpleasant, not to mention painful and deadly."

Don't have Necrotizing fasciitis? Wondering how to get in on it? The National Necrotizing Fasciitis Foundation, notorious designer label, had this to say: "We can personally tell you about people who got it after a c-section, after abdominal surgery, after scratching a rash, after giving birth vaginally, from a scratch, after bumping a leg with a golf bag, after a friendly punch in the arm from a buddy, after a little cut on the finger, after a cut on the foot, after a rug burn, after having a routine blood draw in a physical exam, after a broken arm, and after a broken leg, and from no known trauma at all."

So what are you waiting for? Do you want to turn out like fashion disaster Dr. Walker? As long as there's un-removed skin on your penis or respective sex organ, you're not with the current style. "I'd say that in a few weeks, anyone without this trend will just be a social outcast, what, with being alive and everything," remarked Morris.

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