Bibleman to Convert Dirty Catholics to Christianity		Ice Curling Replaced Drunken Throwing Rampages
The Cynical Times sits down with Bibleman, who is on a mission to convert Catholics to Christianity		The once-popular pastime of drunken shit-throwing is replaced by the Olympic sport Ice Curling in a small town
Local Kid Believes He is "Cool" Due to New Leather Jacket		Industrial Light & Magic Hired to "Freshen" Strom Thurmond
Tim Rankin, local nerd, believes he is "the coolest mother around" due to his brand-new jacket		Senator Strom Thurmond is soon to undergo a drastic transition
Real Stupidity 3		Who's Coming to The Cynical Times?
A whole new Real Stupidity section is up, featuring 19 brand-new ads!		Intelligent adults in search of enriching entertainment, right? Think again. A look at the disturbing statistics.
Taliban: "Merely a flesh wound!"		Real Stupidity 2: The Second Edition
The Afghan ruling regime demands that the yellow-bellied coalition bring it on		The second edition of our popular Real Stupidity section. Now with cocks.
Man Successfully Combines His Love of Bass Fishin' and Sense of Hereditary Superiority into One "Awesome" Vanity License Plate		Boy Forgets To Say Pledge; Deported
A bass fishin'/Confederate flag license plate was spotted being shown off by one Dale Fenton on Sunday.		Peter Wessley was deported Thursday, after "forgetting" to say the Pledge of Allegiance
America Fuck'd Up All of A Sudden		Introducing: The Cynical Times STORE!
A daring look at some of the innapropriate responses to the September 11th tragedy		Now, you can buy your useless crap from us!
Three Month-Long, In-Depth Project Scrapped Together In One Night		Why Does Everybody Hate Me?
A long-term report of three months and the invaluable knowledge to be gained by it were heavily compromised Tuesday		Unsightly Bikini Line Hair #5379 (Jan) explains the difficulties of her job
One of These Days, I Will Hold The Authority Position at Arby's		PBS To Come Out With New Game Show
A determined young man describes his goals		Public Broadcasting Service tries to compete with network giants ABC and NBC by creating a hardly cheesy game show
Hideous Wench Proud Of Inner Beauty		McDonald's Loses Count; Goes Back To Zero
Wretched Wanderbrook wench Lucy Plushkins claims to be proud of her "great inner beauty" despite being indisputably wretched to the eyes		McDonald's Corporation, the largest food chain in the world, made an embarassing announcement Tuesday when it announced that it has lost count of how many it has served
Dennis Tito "All Smug" About Being in Space		The Shining: Where is all the slaughtering?
That rich bastard Dennis Tito is mocking all of his friends, saying how he has "been in space and they haven't"		Film Critic, David Manning of the Ridgefield Press, wonders "what went wrong" with the horror classic The Shining
I Love Talking Into Fans!		In The Land Of Burgers, There Is a New King
Herman Humphrey: Fan Fanatic, declares his love for fans		The Land of Burgers Has A New King, after the BIG-MAC terrorist organization took over the government Wednesday
What If God Was One of Us?		I don't know what it is either
Well, He could be you know. The Cynical Times investigates.		Love is found in trying to figure out what cybersex is
Minnesota 'weirdo' prefers small-breasted women		Girl Scouts Growing Too Strong
A local 'straight' man made a disturbing announcement: he prefers small-breasted women		What could be the plans of this 2.7 million girl army? And why are they eating people?
First Grader Declares New Bestest Friend		Personal Home Pages Banned!
In a shocking move, Johnny declared a new bestest friend Wednesday		The Supreme court made a ruling Thursday that banned personal home pages
America's Children Have Less Fun At School (Even Less Than China)		Philip Morris Launches New Ad Campaign
A poll of the world's 3rd graders conducted last week had some shocking results: kids in America have less fun at school than kids everywhere else in the world do		Philip Morris's new ad campaign shows their rather risky new slogan: "Philip Morris, Killing Idiots Like You Every Day."
Little Harry Is In Trouble		Flesh Eating Bacteria Becoming 'Trendy' Say Experts
Satanist's Protest Harry Potter's newest book, saying "It portrays Satan in a bad light"		Fashion experts predicted today that the disease to have for 2000 will be no other than the popular Necrotizing Fasciitis
Real Stupidity #1: Ads		Do we really need more moons?
A collection of various idiotic ads that are pretty funny		Betty Sharington tells us why the world certainly doesn't need any more moons