The top country was none one other than France. With their "fun attitude toward learning," it was no wonder that France was the country on top.

America, on the other hand, having a shit education system, came in 34th--even behind China.

Third grader Little Dennis Gleaves of Pearson, NJ, is disappointed with the American school system. "School is no fun, all we do is color, then we eat graham crackers or celery or some other gross snack, then we have recess after lunch, and then we color some more."

Little Dennis Gleaves

This constant "coloring" probably has something to do with America's disappointing "even behind China" results.

When asked to comment on the bad results, American School System representative PJ Goforth had this to say: "It's all because of France's 'carnival-like' teaching methods, instead of our 'coloring' methods. Hey, if I was a kid, I would want to go to the carnival, not spend the whole day coloring in gay pictures. I mean, that's just plain boring. We have to take initiative to make our school systems more 'carnival-like,' with lots of doughnuts and candy corn, instead of those stupid graham crackers. Yuck, those things are gross."

When asked to comment about us even being behind China, PJ Goforth responded, "And that whole, 'even behind China' thing, I don't know what that is… that is just well… I don't know what to say to that."

Local drunkard Jimmy Boose thought, "Now, I knows why them Chinese is 'head of us… It's cause of the satellites they gots… they is everywhere, looking at me… AH! they is here again! Lookin' at me…" Shortly after his statement to The Cynical Times, Jimmy Boose stumbled into the street, was hit by a car, and died.

Jimmy Boose wasn't right. At all.

After much investigation, it turns out that all the Chinese do in school is play pool.

And wear funny robes.

The Chinese Method of Teaching

When we called up PJ Goforth again to comment on this new information he had this to say: "Oh, pool. The kind with the balls, or the water? Oh, really, I would rather play pool than color pictures, wouldn't you?"

We decided to go back to our friend Dennis Gleaves and see what he would rather do. "Can we go to the carnival and then play pool? I'm tired of coloring."

We were going to go back and talk to our good friend Jimmy Boose, but he was dead.

It was a lovely funeral.

We were going to call China also, but then we called the phone company, and asked how much it would cost, found out, yelled out a series of swear words, and slammed down the phone.

We all are tired of coloring. And graham crackers.

Hopefully these test results will be a wake up call to all of America's teachers. We must improve the amount of fun our children have in our schools. Every little bit helps. Teachers, let your students stay out for recess a while longer. Don't make them color. You all know that you wouldn't want to be doing it if you were them.

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