Bibleman to Convert Dirty Catholics to Christianity

Catholics, look out, there's no hiding

Watch out, all you satanists out there, there's a new superhero in town, out there to fight one of our society's greatest evils: non-Evangelical Christianity. It's Bibleman, doing things that a Bible can. And he's on a mission, a mission to show all you dirty Catholics out there the true Word of God--or so he says. Prepare to be saved (given that you're white and attend an affluent church).

Fortunately, Bibleman had the opportunity to sit down from superhero-ing to chat with The Cynical Times. He described his mission to us.

Bibleman: I was transformed by the Word of the Lord to become Bibleman.
The Cynical Times: Boh-ring. So what are your superpowers?
Bibleman: I can teach any kid I meet how to develop a personal relationship with God.
CT: That's gay, what about superstrength?
Bibleman: There's nothing gay about Bibleman, unless by "gay" you mean happy and content in the face of God. I do things that a Bible can.
CT: Bibleman, what are things that a Bible does, exactly?
Bibleman: Well, you know, sit there, fight evil, mostly sit there I guess. It teaches, like I do. Mostly white kids, though.
CT: Are there any cool supervillians?
Bibleman: My arch enemy is the evil Luxor. Using the evil powers of Satan, he makes kids disobedient, causing them not to read their Bibles and become ignorant of the Word of the Lord.
CT: Huh, his name sounds a lot like Lex Luthor, Superman's arch-enemy. Any connection?
Bibleman: Superman is satanic.

Doing things that a Bible can!

So basically, Satan makes kids not read their Bibles, and since no youngster should go without reading the extended passages dealing with the permitted enslavement of the Palestinians, Bibleman acts as a super form of Ritalin and gets their attention back in place.

We asked little Randy Moore, 5, about his experiences with Bibleman. He remarked, "One day, rather than read my Bible, I decided to have a little food. Bibleman came to the rescue and got me reading my Bible again by chopping off my food arm with his psuedo-lightstaber so that I could only have a hand for page turnin', not munchin. Thanks, Bibleman! Bibleman, he's a hero, gonna take Catholicism down to zero. Told me that if any Catholics touch me the way Jesus Christ touches me, to run and tell the Sheriff."

The Cynical Times: What's Bibleman's beef with Catholicism?
Bibleman: I take the Catholics from the claws of Satan and convert them to Christianity.
CT: But aren't Catholics Christian?
Bibleman: No, the Bible says they are the minions of Satan.
CT: So Bibleman basically interprets the Word of the Lord?
Bibleman: Yes.
CT: Isn't that what you complain that the Pope does?
Bibleman: Look, there's a Force of Satan! Swipes at the air. Saved your life.

We spoke with Catholic Danny Fulton about Bibleman. "That mofo's full of shit. Why don't they direct their resources toward something useful, rather than their own stupid rich kids? I was at their web site, and it was like, some guy spreads disobedience so kids don't read their Bibles... what kid is really going to give a fuck?"

Brewertown resident Fulton, 22, was recently approached by Bibleman. He describes this life-changing episode: "Dude, I was walking, and this fucker in tights comes up and starts telling me about the 'Word of the Lord.' I didn't know what he was talking about until he started telling me about the corrupt Roman Catholic Church in Europe centuries ago and how that relates to me being a child molester. I mean, I never really thought that shaking somebody's hand qualifies for molestation, but apparently it's in the Bible."

Added Fulton, "I haven't even been to church in a few months, and he's getting onto me about my denomination. How did he even know that?"

Randy Moore, after Bibleman's helpful visit

We asked Bibleman about the issue, and he had this to say: "Take the Ten Commandments, one of the most important parts of the Bible. Turn them upside down, smear the ink some, read them phonetically, write the result in proper English, translate it to German, increase each character by two letters ("boy"="dqa"), phonetically translate once more, and the result clearly states that Catholicism is pure evil."

Bibleman was quick to add, "And because the U.S. Constitution is based on the Ten Commandments, especially the parts about coveting thy neighbor's wife and holding no god before the Protestant God, it is treason to commit the crime of Catholicism."

We asked where the idea of habeus corpus and due process came from, and Bibleman quickly chimed in, "If you don't believe me, just read the Declaration of Independence. It says that God gave us our rights, not Pope John Paul III."

Unclear as to how he worked the Pope into the U.S. Declaration of Independence, we asked about it, but he said his Bible-sense was going crazy and that he had to convert a Catholic somewhere and jumped out the window.

Look up--it's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a flying bull! And it's shitting all over the place.

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